what-if’s and maybe’s

it is as if you nourish yourself on my pain. you must revel in
my agony, it must be the truth because there is no possible
way you do not see how much you mean to me. it is there,
in my eyes. fevered, you once reached over
and layed your hand on my forehead in concern.
how could you not recognize the first sign of infatuation?
it struck me like a disease; my body swelled in warning,
my blood ran hot like a broken faucet. my body curled into
its like a wounded animal. i howled while my body fought off my
feelings for you. you were the panacea and the poison,
the savior to my destruction, you swooped down on angel
wings while i willingly set myself on fire. my thoughts
are swollen with images of you; each time
i pause to touch and test the wound,
twinges of pain, of sharp memories
plague me with feelings of you. rose-colored shades
because my heart is clean, true, hopeful, i gave
my love to you knowing you are undeserving. a
gift you discard on the regular, i wish i could
escape this curse that has me uneasy and ravenous at night.
my bed sheets must me hate, what with the way
i toss and turn. because i ache to have you beside me. even
when i dream of you, you are not truly you. maybe it is my
conscience or some unseen force that wishes to save me,
an antibody taking a kamikaze mission in my heart, but
even in the back of my mind, i know you will never be mine
and that is just fine. but in the meantime, i will allow myself
to wonder the what-if’s and maybe’s…….