how Long?

How Long? – Mecca-Amirah Jackson

How many

times will

I curl up

and try to

disappear?

How many more nights of

begging

for

answers?

Loneliness ripping

 through me like riptides;

im clinging on

 for dear life.

Haven’t thought of ending it

in a while but standing before

the truth,

alone,

God it makes me

question why I was born

to suffer

under this

god forsaken sun?

Something as

simple as an embrace

seems too much

to ask for.

I just want what everyone has—

 unfettered love

and acceptance.

Some praise

well wishes

when I just want to

cry and scream.

Why is my path so different?

 So painful?

 God,

what is on the other side

— is all this fighting

 for nothing?

 I’ve been good and better

to those who don’t

deserve to bask

under my light and still,

 I suffer.

 I’m tired.

 Exhausted.

Why can’t I press

fast forward

and

fall asleep?

Why can’t I

Disappear

 for a day,

 a month;

it’s not like I will be missed.

That horrible realization

 that If

I were dead,

 would anyone

find the body?

How long until

the stench

reached someone?

Anyone?

How long

how long

until someone

 realizes

 that I’m dead?

 Ha, ha.

 It hurts to cry—

tear ducts rubbed raw,

 so I’ll just laugh,

 with the lonely

 howl of the wind.

How long

 how long

 will someone

 realize that I’m gone?

Written out of history

 so quickly

—without a fuck to give

— how long

 will you remember me

when I’m gone?