i’m too trusting

family has a way of bringing  out a side of you, one so entrenched, hooked deep  inside, tearing flesh until there  is nothing to hide. a  gaping wound, hanging off the sides, oozing frothy mistakes  and diseases like gang green. i’m falling asleep, head tilting  off to the side, air pushing my hair  back  until everything  fades to black. i’m, dizzy,  woozy,  tainted, unruly but i’m ready to  tell my story. i’m ready to  shout from the rafters––that like is unfair and i’m depleted. energy fizzled out of me, i’m defeated.  exhausted, sluggishly going about  my day, wishing that  lightening would strike and take away this pain.  agony is too familiar, i curl up and wait—for the   waves to  overtake, and drown me in all of this pain. i used to struggle against the current but those days have  passed and my  heart is seeped  with hate. 

torn  apart by those around me, those i’ve  called  friend and love,  now carry pieces of me  and go about their day.  it’s those we  love who we take a chance, to wither love or  devastate us, plant us in  good soil or stomp all over my face. i’m too trusting, i’m too  trusting. i  know i love with my whole heart. i know i give far too many chances.  i know  i see the good  and dismiss the ugly but  i  see pieces  of me  inside of them and how can  i turn myself away? i smile  big but my thoughts  are ugly. i’ve watched people struggle and laughed. I’ve strategized  ways to siege and destroy, all while smiling  pretty  and batting my warm brown eyes.  i  give far too many chances because i’m not perfect/ i see the  ugly and i  wish to plant it  and watch  it grow. i’m  a healer by nature, farmer  my trade, business woman  by day, heartbroken by night— i  choose  this life i lead, i am a victim to my own sacrifice.

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