family has a way of bringing out a side of you, one so entrenched, hooked deep inside, tearing flesh until there is nothing to hide. a gaping wound, hanging off the sides, oozing frothy mistakes and diseases like gang green. i’m falling asleep, head tilting off to the side, air pushing my hair back until everything fades to black. i’m, dizzy, woozy, tainted, unruly but i’m ready to tell my story. i’m ready to shout from the rafters––that like is unfair and i’m depleted. energy fizzled out of me, i’m defeated. exhausted, sluggishly going about my day, wishing that lightening would strike and take away this pain. agony is too familiar, i curl up and wait—for the waves to overtake, and drown me in all of this pain. i used to struggle against the current but those days have passed and my heart is seeped with hate.
torn apart by those around me, those i’ve called friend and love, now carry pieces of me and go about their day. it’s those we love who we take a chance, to wither love or devastate us, plant us in good soil or stomp all over my face. i’m too trusting, i’m too trusting. i know i love with my whole heart. i know i give far too many chances. i know i see the good and dismiss the ugly but i see pieces of me inside of them and how can i turn myself away? i smile big but my thoughts are ugly. i’ve watched people struggle and laughed. I’ve strategized ways to siege and destroy, all while smiling pretty and batting my warm brown eyes. i give far too many chances because i’m not perfect/ i see the ugly and i wish to plant it and watch it grow. i’m a healer by nature, farmer my trade, business woman by day, heartbroken by night— i choose this life i lead, i am a victim to my own sacrifice.