where it went wrong

“where it went wrong” – Ascend– page 27-29

where it went wrong

i

it has become an obsession of mine: going back in time, deciphering
the wreckage, the carnage,
to find where it went wrong.

ii

there must be a clear path…
a reason…something so simple that i could go back in time
so you can love me. forgive me. absolve me of my sins
and embrace me.

iii

where did it all go wrong?

was i always destined to be set adrift on this lone star, watching in misery as others frolic and play?
i never knew that tragedy rhymed with my name.
i never knew i was destined to sit on

the sidelines every damn day.
i get along with a choice few and after a while, they grow tired of me.

iv

may i ask why?

was it because i was too honest?
i know i cut a little too close to the truth– i slice and can’t stop the bleeding.
my words follow you like a shadow,
you banish my presence at night and
beg God to untwine our fate.
i think it’s because i am damaged goods. i’m fucked up in the head.
i pretend to be someone else

while i hold my true self at bay.
it’s one of my biggest flaws—
saying i’m lonely while i push people away.

v

and when they see the real me–it’s not like they were prepared for this ungodly rage.

my skin shutters in pleasure, my teeth shift and twist and i can’t wait to get up all in your face.

my rage is all-consuming. my wrath shatters the atmosphere and my vengeance will come in the form of

blood and rain. i should have never been given hands— they weren’t meant to hold and coddle—i was meant to:

slash
and rip
and burn
and tear
and mock
and prod
and set fires to every effigy and dance.

vi

|i am a monster fashioned from human flesh. if you look closely enough, through the cracks, the shattered flesh,

the patched skin, the matted hair,
the watery eyes, the loose teeth,
you will see me. laughing. belly-gripping,

cackling. i’m fucking crazy. i’m clinically insane. i’m you’re biggest fear,
dancing in the blood-slick rain. |

this picture of me that was painted—do you believe it? does it make your life easier knowing that you lied?

do you ever regret your decision to fuck with my life? you called me a monster, because it’s easier to paint me as a lie than admit that you were wrong

about me. you see, we are all of the same flesh. when Eden was grown, apples glossy and wet, when two

mouths exposed the fleshy truth, you see, we were all cursed. all damned. that doesn’t make you better than

me. doesn’t disregard that we are the same. seven sins. leaden limbs. we all cry and

bleed but everyone has their own story. we all were disappointed. we all sleep with night-lights and

sugar-stained teeth.

vii

but we all deserve saving–right?

it must be true, because, what were we born on
this earth to do? repent, learn, make a mistake, and do it all again…